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How to Eliminate Unwanted Drama in Your Life

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Do You Keep Reliving the Same Dramas?

For each of us there are dramas that occur on a regular basis. It might be that you are always late. Maybe you always get into arguments with your spouse. Or perhaps you just can’t seem to take action on goals that are really important to you.

A Simple Quiz

Before we delve into this common problem, take this one minute test. Fill in the blanks below to identify the patterns you would like to break.

  • I always __________________________.
  • _______________always happens to me.
  • I can’t stop _______________________.


Why Does This Keep Happening to Me?

So why do we keep reliving the same dramas? It’s the result of a program in your subconscious mind. You subconscious mind has many “programs” that it runs automatically such as getting dressed or dialing your mom’s phone number. Here’s the proof. Have you ever driven home from work and had little or no memory of driving. That’s because you were using your autopilot, the subconscious.

The subconscious is a fabulous tool. It’s like a computer that carries out routines that we program into it. The automatic execution of these programs allows us to be more productive. We can think about our day while we are tying our shoes. Our brains are the original multitasking machine.

The only problem with the subconscious is how unfailing it is even when the program is self-destructive. So how do we rectify this? It’s simple: modify or replace the self-defeating programs. Here’s how.

Reprogramming Your Subconscious

1. Choose. First you need to know what your faulty patterns are. So take a little time to explore the things you want to change. Use the one minute quiz above to help get you started and be sure to write them down.

2. Analyze. Once you have the things you want to change, ask yourself “what is the belief that underlies this?” Determine why the pattern keeps happening. The best way to get down to the root of an issue is to keep asking why. Once you get to the root, then ask yourself what new belief or perspective could change your pattern. Here’s an example. Let’s say you always fight with your mother. Start by asking “why?”

  • Why do I fight with my mother?
  • Because she annoys me.
  • Why does she annoy you?
  • Because she is constantly providing unwanted advice that feels like judging.
  • Why does that bother you?
  • Because I’m trying my hardest to live the best life I can and I get frustrated because I can’t possibly live up to everything she suggests.
  • Why do you feel like you have to do that?
  • Because she pushes and pushes with her opinions.
  • So you feel like you have to jump and take action whenever she makes a suggestion?
  • Yes.
  • OK. What new perspective could change your pattern?
  • Hmm. I could believe that she is trying to help me.
  • Tell me more.
  • I could believe that there is no pressure to take action. I’m a grownup and can live my life my way. I could believe that she might have some useful suggestions that I could consider. I could make a habit of thanking her, writing it down, and explaining that I may or may not take action, but that I will thoughtfully consider it. And then I could thank her for loving me enough to care and give me advice.
  • Good.
  • OK, but there’s a little more to the fighting. She also seems to like to needle me with “Told you so” kind of comments.
  • So why does that bother you?
  • It’s annoying!
  • Why?
  • Because, well, I guess it’s because sometimes she’s right. That stings. It backs me into a corner and makes me want to bite! (not literally, well maybe just a little)
  • Sooo, what could you do to change that pattern? (Because you know you can’t change her!)
  • I could take the wind out of those sails by simply adopting a habit of saying, “yes, you are right” instead of fighting it. I could believe that even though it’s not the most effective method, that when she says “told you so” that she is still doing it because she loves me. I could choose to focus on her love and not her method. That should hopefully soften things.

This is a long example, but I think it demonstrates that how we need to keep asking why to get to the root issue. Our first answer is usually our emotion coming through. When we keep asking why, that when we can get to what is really behind it all. Once you know the cause then you can work on addressing it.


3. Write. Take that little internal conversation you just had and write down the key items you’ll want to program. So in our example it would be:
“My mother loves me so much that she wants to give me advice to improve my life. I can see past her methods and focus on her message which is based in love. I know that I don’t have to take action if it doesn’t work for me. I will feel calm each time I receive her loving advice even if her tone is frantic and urgent. In fact the more frantic she is, the more calm I will feel. I will thank my mother for all advice and tell her that I love her. And I will thoughtfully consider her advice. If she is right then I will be grateful to have someone looking out for me. Being wrong is ok as long as I have someone to help show me the right way. When I feel my way works better for me, I will thank her for the advice and love and calmly ask her to understand my decision.”

4. Upload. The way to program your subconscious is tread a path with a repeated message. So take your new program(s) and read them out loud to yourself each morning for a month. Throughout the day read your new program(s), and think about them when you see the drama coming down the tracks. Read your program out loud at night too. If you meditate, this is one of the best times to upload your new program(s) because when the mind is slowed down it is most receptive to absorbing a new belief.

5. Persistence. In theory, this is simple and straightforward, but in practice it will take some persistence and determination. Expect to see old programs rear their ugly head and try to put up a fight. Just remember to stick with it.

6. Feeling. Another helpful tip is to be sure to put feeling and emotion into your message when uploading to your subconscious. The reason why self-defeating patterns stay in place so well is because they usually have a high emotional charge which acts like superglue where the subconscious is concerned. So do your best to drum up some positive and strong emotions when uploading. Do this by trying to imagine the positive emotion. Take on on the actual facial and body movements and postures that would accompany that emotion. Take it slow. Each day you do this you will get better and better at it.

7. Visualize. The last piece of the puzzle is to also visualize what success will look like. Imagine yourself living out your new patterns. Imagine the colors. Turn up the volume. Turn up the emotional volume. Do this at least once a day when you are uploading your new program.

8. Be Amazed. Truly, what you can do with this formula is limitless! Use it each time you need to improve your life. If you follow the simple steps, you can’t fail! It’s impossible!

Please Share!

Do repeated dramas rule your life? All comments big and small are very welcomed!

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15 Responses to How to Eliminate Unwanted Drama in Your Life

  1. Jane December 24, 2007 at 3:27 pm #

    I know from sports how powerful visualization is.

    I haven’t used it that much in my everyday life but your excellent post gives me a lot to think about.

    Thanks and happy holidays!

  2. beux December 25, 2007 at 7:44 am #

    beautiful post! i thank you so much! i was in a depressive time

  3. jd December 25, 2007 at 1:07 pm #

    Good stuff!

    I think the following are helpful
    * the TIC-TOC technique (http://thebookshare.blogspot.com/2007/09/how-to-use-tic-toc-technique.html)
    * spend more time w/catalysts and less time w/drains
    (http://blogs.msdn.com/jmeier/archive/2006/12/09/catalysts-and-drains.aspx)
    * know your NLP meta-programs (http://thebookshare.blogspot.com/2007/12/meta-programs-and-intrinsic-values-in.html)
    * know the 10 distorted thinking patterns (http://thebookshare.blogspot.com/2007/08/10-distorted-thinking-patterns.html)

  4. Todd December 26, 2007 at 4:25 am #

    This post was really great. I printed it out…planning to follow through with the suggestions.

    Thank you!

  5. Carlo December 26, 2007 at 5:29 am #

    Thanks for the tips, I have to follow a few of those steps. I have been super stressed lately with this holiday shopping season.

  6. Cook Fish TV December 26, 2007 at 1:53 pm #

    Great article, it reflect the situation I’m on right now. I’m having trouble lately with my partner after been together for 6 years.

  7. Jazz Bar Los Angeles December 28, 2007 at 4:56 pm #

    If you want to get rid of unwanted drama in your life, drop that drama (king/queen) like a hot rock and get with someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously!
    In other words drop the zero and get with a hero! Getting rid of someone who plays games with your emotions is easy when you detach yourself from them, and realize it’s only good riddence to bad garbage! James

  8. Laser Pain Therapy December 29, 2007 at 5:51 am #

    This is some great advice! I believe it will be useful to many people who suffer from this – as I believe people who have too much Drama in their lives are seeking it in some way!

  9. Stephanie Daniels April 1, 2008 at 10:02 am #

    Thank yu for the information, we all have drama in our lives. We just have to learn how to deal with it.

  10. James Michael Jandayan April 1, 2008 at 10:06 am #

    Great blog. Step by step instructions with a distinct actions. Very great. Drama is somehow good but to much of it is irritating.

  11. James Smith João Pessoa, Brazil December 7, 2009 at 9:30 am #

    Or you could just tell those people, “F*** you! I’m not here to please you or live up to your expectation. So either stop with this behavior, or get out of my life.”

    • agentsully December 7, 2009 at 10:44 pm #

      @James – ah yes, that IS what we say and the fight happens. Then it happens again. Then again. Like your post on Trees vs. People (which is cool BTW) I think we need to be more like trees and not let people get under our skin to the point of saying F-you.

      That is the challenge.

      Of course you have a point too, about getting people out of your life that don’t support you. If you can do this and you want to and it will make your life better, then that seems like a good idea.

      Sometimes we want a person out of our life 49%, but still want them in our life 51%, such as a mother. The margin may be slim, but that is why we need to find ways to be at peace amidst the chaos of some relationships.

      I’m not saying we should be doormats for people who are abusive. That’s a definite, walk away situation. But for people who are annoying, even highly annoying, but we still want them in our life, that’s the space where we need to work on being like a tree. :)

      Nice to “meet you.” Please come again and chat.

  12. Faith September 13, 2010 at 6:38 pm #

    Thank you so much for the post.

    My famiglia fights alot but we all love eachother trying to stop all drama. Drama is supposed to be bad for ur health.
    Thank you soo much for helping us.

    • AgentSully October 24, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

      Faith – thank you for sharing! Wishing you all the best!

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