Do You Know How to Really Forgive Someone?
Emotions, Family, Happy, How To, Personal Development, Relationships, Spiritual, Uncategorized May 22nd, 2007
The Problem with Not Forgiving
Most people have at least one person in their life that they harbor anger against for some reason or another. For some the anger is due to a serious hurt, whether physical or emotional, such as assault or abuse. For others the anger stems from less important issues, but the anger is just as real and just as debilitating. For instance the resentment that can build up in a relationship over many years over many small and large differences. For some, maybe it is a co-worker that angers you, they ask too much of you, they sabotage you, or they just annoy you.
Why do we hold onto anger? At it’s root, it’s because we want to hurt that person back. The problem with this strategy is that it doesn’t hurt the intended. It only hurts us. Think about it. Can you be happy when you are angry? Have you ever noticed that you have more accidents the more angry you are? So how do you get rid of this anger? By forgiving.
The Problem with Forgiving
If forgiving is the answer to releasing your anger, why don’t we do it? Well, because forgiving someone is hard! Another reason is that we don’t know how to do it properly. And then there is the fear that by forgiving someone we are inviting them to hurt us again or that we are saying what they did was ok.
How to Really Forgive Someone
1)Examine Your Anger - Take some time to understand your anger. It’s easy to say, “Well I just hate that person” or “That person drives me crazy.” For some the reason for the anger is very clear as in the case of assault, for instance. But other times, the root of our anger is not so clear. Why does this person “bug you?” Why do you get angry at your boss? Why do you flip out when your spouse parks the car “the wrong way.” The reason it is important to understand your anger is that if you identify clearly what the root is, then you can go about finding a possible solution. This doesn’t work in all cases. But try this first anyway. Then ask yourself what can YOU do to make the situation better? If it’s about trying to change a person, the only way to really impact a person is to love them, praise them and continually discover and focus on the good in that person. This takes time, but try it!! It really works. If it’s an intolerable situation and you can’t ignore it, find a way to not be around this person.
2) “Thank You for This Experience.” Have you ever noticed how good can spring up from bad experiences? Just like after a forest fire the first thing you see is lots of little green plants starting to grow. What did you learn about your inner strength from your negative experience? What did you learn about yourself that has made you a stronger person? This doesn’t make wrongs against you right. But it puts you back in the position of power, not victimhood. Remember, you have survived. Build on that! And little by little explore where you see small bits of green sprouting up in your life. Focus on that, have gratitude for that good, and you will be in the process of forgiving.
3) Relationship Resentment -Let it Go: Advice from the book “Follow Your Heart” by Andrew Matthews (one of my favorite books) is brilliant. In his book he talks about how we make up rules for how others should behave. If they don’t behave that way, we make them “guilty” and we hold a grudge. But does it change the situation? No. All it does it “ruin our lives!” He uses humor to make a good point, “When a seagull craps on your head, do you resent the seagull?” Do you resent the weather when it rains? So why resent people?
Whatever the “guilty party” got wrong, it is history. The question is, “Do you want your life to work or don’t you.” And he also takes on the hard situations too. For instance, he a friend who found forgiveness after having his 3 teenage daughters murdered. It wasn’t easy, but in the end he realized that only he had control over how he moved forward with his life. He didn’t want his life to be miserable so he “let go of anger” for his “own sake and his own survival.”
4) Meditate on Compassion: Imagine your antagonist as a baby. What has been their life? Why do they act in ways that hurt you or others? If you can find a small place of compassion, of understanding, then perhaps in seeing them as a victim of their circumstances, you may find a place of peace about what happened. Buddhism says: “for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all.” Buddhism urges us to focus on loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity as “a means for avoiding resentment in the first place.”
The Dalia Lama lives a life of forgiveness in action. The book, “The Wisdom of Forgiveness” gives an account his life in this regard. Again this doesn’t make crimes committed right. This doesn’t mean that you should necessarily befriend a person who hurt you or that you should take your guard down in protecting yourself from a dangerous person. But if you can find a place where you can wish for their healing, you will find your own healing. If this doesn’t work, move onto #5.
5) Turn it over to God: Put your trust in God that God will take care of this situation in the long run. God will provide you strength. God will bring justice in the end. And hopefully God will heal the offender too. Take comfort in God’s love for you. If you have trouble understanding “why God let’s bad things happen” take a look at my post on Christianity and scroll down to the heading “Why Do We Have to Suffer.”
6) If you don’t believe in God, then at least know that in science all things eventually come to equilibrium. And so, turn it over to the universe. Turn it over to your friends’ and family’s love for you. Allow yourself to be comforted and strengthened by their love.
7) Write it Down. Take all these suggestions and journal about your feelings and then write down the answers to the questions: How will I forgive? What will I gain by forgiving? What is the good in all this? What have I learned? How will my life be better by forgiving?
What Have You Got to Lose? – Only Peace
Who are you holding resentment against? Who are you angry at? Who do you hate? Do you want release from this heavy yoke around your heart? Do you want peace and happiness? Try forgiveness… for your sake. Take it slow. It is a process. Over time you can watch your anger melt. The Dalai Lama is said to have the heart health of a 20 year old according to his doctors. Why is that? Perhaps it just might be that he holds no anger. Imagine what it could do for you!
Please share your comments, experiences, and tips on Forgiveness! All comments big and small are very welcomed!
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May 22nd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Nice article.. very well written
May 22nd, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Thanks Dee. I know how hard forgiving can be. Hopefully this will help other people who also have difficulty with it.
I appreciate your encouragement! thanks!
May 22nd, 2007 at 8:08 pm
I think that the majority of people in this sick world need to revise their thoughts and listen to what you have to say. Well said.
May 22nd, 2007 at 9:32 pm
It is said in the Vedas that there is God in every soul/human being. If we are angry with someone, then imagine God in them. Who would be angry against God?
..
That doesn’t mean you suffer with what ever they do. If you have to retaliate against ‘evil’, you have to do it after thinking through and if you are doing the right thing by retaliating, please do – however your action should be ‘right’ in the eyes of God.
This a derived story: Two people were traveling in a train. One person had his coat on the seat next to him and had dozed off. Another person who just got into the train threw the coat out of the window and sat in that chair (without even bothering to wake the person who was sleeping). Now that person woke up and asked where his coat was..only to be told that it was thrown out.
Now should this person excuse or retaliate???
In my opinion retaliate fairly – say throw something (coat/ hat/ equal value) of that person out of the window !!! how else will you be able to teach a lesson? or should you even bother to teach a lesson.
Does not life always tell us: do not be a coward? What would you say?
Of course situations in life are not as easy as throwing coats
May 22nd, 2007 at 10:33 pm
hi
there is this page i found which tracks all the top blogs about personal development in just a single page
http://www.netreputation.co.uk/directory/Personal%20Development
you are on it too
May 22nd, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Mirage Chopper – thank you for your compliment and comment.
Som – hmmm. for me, generally I think retaliation doesn’t get you where you want to go. I like the story as an example:
A monk (I think) is robbed of his only possession while he is sleeping, his clothes. He awakes and sees the man running away and his first thought is “Oh, my, I wish I had had some better clothes for him.” I can’t remember the whole thing but that was the gist. He figured the robber needed it more than him.
About the guy who threw the clothes out the window on the train, I think we have the opportunity to change people more effectively with kindness than with venom. (I know my initial reaction would probably be anger. It’s not easy to be kind in such situations.)
Perhaps the answer would be to offer to buy him coffee. Imagine how he might feel them. Just a thought. Of course, when faced with immediate danger, we need to protect ourselves. Thank you for this thought provoking question.
What does everyone else think?
Listr – thank you for passing along that info. That’s cool!
May 23rd, 2007 at 5:23 am
Thanks for visiting my blog at http://piecesofzen.blogspot.com. I left a message at Blog Catalogue, but it seemed to disappear. But it may turn up yet… LOL
I feel forgiveness is not something you can actually “do” but more of a state of being which comes about after expanding awareness on a state of anger (non-forgiveness).
Many of my clients ask me what to do if they find themselves unable to forgive, because they tend to say that the “other IS to blame!”
I ask me them to just focus and expand their awareness on their grievances until they are complete – just another word for forgiveness (but without all the “baggage” that may be attached to the word forgive). This is a typical Zen procedure as Zen aims to transcend the relative and would say, “when you blame, just be with that blame, become one with it, until it is gone.”
I don’t know if you have ever come across this site, . I have recently joined. You can have discussions, leave your URL in some discussions (where appropriate), and even get paid a small amount for using the site. Thought I would give it a mention as there are a lot of users on there looking for advice. If you use the link, you will be signed up into my “Friends Profile” and we can have further discussions – if it is not for you though, please forgive the intrusion.. Best regards, Derek
May 23rd, 2007 at 10:45 am
Here’s how we deal with apologies and forgiveness with our kids:
1. Say you’re sorry.
2. Try my best not to do it again.
3. Will you forgive me?
It makes it much easier for someone to forgive you if they know you are truly sorry and that it’s not going to happen again.
May 23rd, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Great post, AgentSully. For me, I have an easier time forgiving others than I do forgiving myself. I beat myself up for months, sometimes years, for mistakes I’ve committed. There comes a moment, though, when I just have to let it go.
May 23rd, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Derek, thanks for the insightful comment. I love what you said. I will check out the My Lot site. FYI -when I went to your site today, I got a 404 message….maybe blogger is down?
Pipe Smoking – if it works for kids, it should work for grownups. I see my son forgive so easily. It inspires me to be easy going like that.
Brett- Me too. I’m very hard on myself. In fact today I made a mistake and I really gave myself a hard time. I was so angry. Duh! I need to listen to my own advice!!!! That’s why I write it, so I will get it….eventually!
Thanks for the comment!
May 24th, 2007 at 12:41 am
Whew! Straight to the heart. Posts like this make you re-exaiine reality and realise you’re not as clean and bitterness-free as you thought you were.
Great process.
May 24th, 2007 at 4:05 am
Thanks for telling me re. 404, just checked my blog and all seems to be working OK now.
May 25th, 2007 at 3:14 am
great post. I had an amazing experience of forgiveness with the most significant relationship in my life. I “forgave” the unforgivable. What I really did was take care of myself whenever I was with them. I would anticipated their behavior and when they were consistently acting in the predicted pattern I chose to see it as habit and not get plugged in. Not getting plugged in changed into acceptance. Acceptance grew into amusement and eventually into affection… and forgiveness. Forgiveness was not my original intent, but by being present and taking care of myself I was able to shift into a new perception and forgiveness was the result. To this day i still have and amazing relationship with these folks and I still take care of myself. Thanks for the insights!
May 28th, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Hi AgentSully
Thanks for a great article. Thanks too for your invitation to share my thoughts on forgiving. I really appreciate it.
It is hard to forgive. When we hurt, suffer pain, betrayal, loss, abandonment – we fear. We wallow in self-pity. We are human. We suffer fatigue. Some[one] thing has let us down badly and we feel terrible. If we feel bitterly disappointed, we’ll go on feeling badly for a long while. Think how we feel in these bitter moments. Do we really feel better prolonging our fear?
Please, please … pretty, pretty please let’s remember who we are.
We are one will all creation. We are deeply and exquisitely loved. We are dearly loved. We are truly loved. We are loved beyond measure. We are loved unconditionally.
Why do we struggle with this truth? Don’t we know how special we are?
I am a walking star on a giant star. I value who I am.
How quickly we forget!
If you truly feel you can’t forgive – surrender, give in and let go. Let God.
If you don’t believe in God – surrender, give in and let go. Let God anyway.
If you feel you can’t forgive now – time is a great healer. Expect to prolong your agony until some “future� time – for as you think, so you experience.
Surrender, let go – ask to draw new, more fulfilling, joyful experiences to your life.
As you think, so you experience. As we think, so we experience.
This is the secret to your success.
You have undeniable power!
Never allow some[one]thing to tell you that you are something other than a powerful child of the Light!
Blessings
Luisa
Luisa Green luisagreen@everymanedict.com
Everyman Edict http://www.everymanedict.com/
Let’s grow in understanding together and live our being in love.
Spiritual Prozac http://spiritual-prozac.blogspot.com
May 28th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Hi AgentSully
Thanks for a great article. Thanks too for your invitation to share my thoughts on forgiving. I really appreciate it.
It is hard to forgive. When we hurt, suffer pain, betrayal, loss, abandonment – we fear. We wallow in self-pity. We are human. We suffer fatigue. Some[one] thing has let us down badly and we feel terrible. If we feel bitterly disappointed, we’ll go on feeling badly for a long while. Think how we feel in these bitter moments. Do we really feel better prolonging our fear?
Please, please … pretty, pretty please let’s remember who we are.
We are one will all creation. We are deeply and exquisitely loved. We are dearly loved. We are truly loved. We are loved beyond measure. We are loved unconditionally.
Why do we struggle with this truth? Don’t we know how special we are?
I am a walking star on a giant star. I value who I am.
How quickly we forget!
If you truly feel you can’t forgive – surrender, give in and let go. Let God.
If you don’t believe in God – surrender, give in and let go. Let God anyway.
If you feel you can’t forgive now – time is a great healer. Expect to prolong your agony until some “future� time – for as you think, so you experience.
Surrender, let go – ask to draw new, more fulfilling, joyful experiences to your life.
As you think, so you experience. As we think, so we experience.
This is the secret to your success.
You have undeniable power!
Never allow some[one]thing to tell you that you are something other than a powerful child of the Light!
Blessings
LuisaLuisa Green luisagreen@everymanedict.com
Everyman Edict http://www.everymanedict.com/
Let’s grow in understanding together and live our being in love.
Spiritual Prozac http://spiritual-prozac.blogspot.com
July 24th, 2007 at 5:31 am
if you forgive anybody wherther its your mistake or not you will not become small or big.
July 24th, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Praneet – thank you for sharing your thoughts! Hope to see you again soon!
March 15th, 2008 at 9:47 am
People really do not have to verbally express their forgiveness, although it is something to consider if someone asks for forgiveness. As long as we let go of our resentments and grudges we should be okay, at least with ourselves.
March 20th, 2008 at 2:31 am
There is other way to help us forgive someone; that is meditate. There are many ways to meditate, but all of them have to do with not resisting your feelings. Through meditation, you can observe these feeling; you discover the self.
April 1st, 2008 at 11:16 am
Very good advise, harboring these feelings is not good for our minds or our physical health.
June 18th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Thank you so much for this article! I have been searching everywhere for some advise that actually made sense to me and I found it!
July 8th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
@Breiona – Thank YOU! I’m so happy to hear that this was helpful for you! Wishing you all the best.
October 27th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
i’m a hurting person reaching out for answers on how to forgive. this article and these blogs are great and very helpful. now i will work on my process of healing…i hope. i really want to heal. i just don’t know how. i will take this advice and go to work, thank you.
October 28th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
@Dana -wishing you all the strength, compassion (for others and yourself), and peace of mind it takes to reach that place of forgiveness. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. Wishing you all the best. Peace.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:25 am
hi! this was a great article. i have been hurting for quite some time now because someone very close to me hurt me in the worst way imaginable. i thought i forgave them but i was still hurting and i kept bringing it back up. now i have the information to work on truly forgiving them and finally being at peace.
GOD BLESS
November 21st, 2009 at 8:27 am
Mrs Wells – wishing you much peace of mind and happiness. Thank you for sharing with us.
November 26th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Sometimes pride gets in our way of forgiving the seemingly unforgiveable. I am angry for a long time now because someone betrayed me in an email or so I thought. I refused their apology and added every incident I could to justify my staying angry at them. I refused to take the email in context of my situation at the time as they requested. My need to be right was far more important than doing what was right. I realize now I need to let go of my false pride and anger. Thanks for your guidance.
December 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am
@JC – Sounds like you are on the right track. It’s never easy. One step at a time. Wishing you all the best!
April 30th, 2010 at 3:18 am
Great article amd I am new to this way of thinking and ‘cleansing’ if you like.. But I worry.. How can we really be sure we have forgiven someone? It is easy for me to say, “ok this person has hurt me in this way and I forgive them” but how do I know that really deep down I have forgiven them, I mean right down in my subconciousness? Is there any sybolic actions we can do that really gets any grudges out of our system for good?
Great article you have helped me..
August 22nd, 2010 at 9:04 pm
@Wes – to answer your question, I don’t know if you ever “reach the destination” of forgiveness as you “keep walking on the path of forgiveness.” Does that help a little?
When you can have a smile in your heart and compassion for the person you are forgiving then that is a sign that you are getting into the “forgiveness zone.”
Wishing you all the best!